I want to die. I'm bored with life, this world has nothing for me, and eternal life is like hell for me. I've lost all motivation - like finding a relationship or being "cool". I've sporadically felt like this before, but never as bad as it is now. I just want to laugh again, but then why bother, who cares? I just can't see a way out from this pain. I realise suicide will have a really bad effect on my family, but i'm getting more and more depressed as life goes on. I used to think to myself "this will never happen" but yet as I slip down from my past self now I realise it is happening. If somebody tried to kill me, I probably wouldn't stop them. I'm quite paranoid now.

Would anyone miss me if I died? No.
It's not some "beatnik-cool, black shades" thing.
It's not some "I'm sad so please feel sorry for me" thing.
It's not some "unloved person, now please pay attention to me" thing.
It's simply a "Leave me alone, I can't be happy here" thing.

I want to die. Help.

though i don't feel that a video game website is an appropriate venue for this kind of discussion or reaching out for help, depression and suicidal thoughts are not something to joke around about.

things to consider:
- you're very young
- you can talk to almost anyone about this and they will listen
- talk to your parents
- talk to your teachers
- seek help

i don't think any of us here are qualified to give you proper treatment and/or help, so i don't think that you should be relying on people like us to help solve your problem.

here are some resources i found online:
- chooselife.net
- breathing space scotland.co.uk
- supportline.org.uk

but, before exploring any of those options, talk to your parents. they will get you the help and be the support you need. if that doesn't work, talk to teachers, your pastor, your guitar lessons teacher, anyone that is an adult. of course, your parents and family should be the first option. you're very young and you and your mind are changing a lot. i'm not going to pretend to understand what goes on and what makes it happen, but it's rarely a case of something you can help, and is simply a chemical imbalance in your brain that can easily be fixed.

talk to your parents.

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Hi Baron von Gikkigen:

Stick around. The world is full of undistinguished individuals who just accept the status quo. But, from the first time you joined Merqury City, you proved a very interesting and brave person. In fact, you were the first individual with enough intestinal fortitude to admite you had AS. You have the potential for l"great things," and I want to be one of the people to congratulate you when they transpire.

Take care, and thank you for giving me the motivation which I needed to admit to others on this Merqury City site that I also have AS.

Seek professional help. Just like Tunes said, it's chemical imbalance that can be fixed. Maybe you are one of many people suffering under Winter depression/blues, Seasonal Affective Disorder. This disorder is related to the amount of light you receive from the sun. You said you live in Scotland where it always rains? You receive far less sunlight causing a lack of serotonin.

First thing you need to know is that it is absolutely not your fault. Second thing you should know is that it can be easily fixed. Talk to your parents and tell them that you are 100% serious about feeling depressed and that you need to see a doctor.
Fill out the questionnaire on the left side of this website:
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/pages/introduction.aspx

Last and the MOST IMPORTANT thing is to visit a doctor no matter what happens since nobody can help you except for them for a medical or psychological professional.

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I'm not sure how much this will help, but I do want you to know that I've been where you are before. I was suicidal for five years, and my thoughts were exactly the same as yours. I don't know everything that's going on in your life and I won't act like I do, but I can say that for me, it got better. Much better. You are still very young, and life can regain its flavor for you. Looking back at when I was your age and I nearly committed suicide, I am so glad I didn't. I don't want you to make the mistake that I almost did. Life will move on; life will get better. You don't have to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel right now, but just know that there is one. Keep on troopin', Baron.

And like Tunes said, start by telling an adult. If you want help and support, you need to have a parent involved. I'm not sure if you have a school counselor, but if you don't feel like you can tell a parent you could start with them and they could help you sort things out, get you the support you need, and be a mediator between you and your guardian. I know it kind of sucks telling them, and it might be hard for them to understand, but having a guardian involved gives you access to serious support such as counselling and medication, and that really helps you if you want to fight the thoughts and feelings that you have.

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I had a time like that but it only lasted 2 weeks. I was at the edge. I didn't want to commit suicide but I had everything where light doesn't reach. I was usually involved in clubs but I just didn't bother and I also thought my life was pointless. I think it's a normal part of puberty and I hope yours will be as short as mine.

Also, I think that AS could be partly that because AS does make you find it hard to communicate to others and be more of an independent person.

And as a reply to everyone who said about going to parents. I think it's a good idea but only after consideration if they are the right choice. Because my parents, for example, would just tell me to stop being silly. I know because I am afraid I'm becoming a "spas" because sometimes when I do something (usually in school) I suddenly start to get a tickle going down my back (which I can't control) and I shake a bit.

Anyway, try to bear with it for now but when you feel an absolute boundary or, I don't know, you dream of dying, then try to talk to someone but only talk to your parents if you believe they are the appropriate people.

And wow, this is longer than QP's post!

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This post was sponsored by my parents.

I've suddenly realised that things get better, and I can explain how that happened.

On December 8, Hurricane Bawbag (Scots slang nickname) hit Scotland. I had no electricity for the whole night. It was only when I woke up at 7AM the next day when the electricity was back. And it shown me things.

I'm actually quite lucky to have electricity at all. There are people in the Third World without anything and I don't see them wanting to stab themselves. I shouldn't be worrying over small fry like this, I need to see the big picture. And the fact that I am lucky to have this cheered me up intensely (or however you describe it).

Thank you, Hurricane Bawbag.

Hurricane Bawbag on Wikipedia

See? I told you it won't be long!

And just to clear things up: I, in my last post, didn't mean to sound as if my parents are bad. They are great at helping me at loads of different matters but they just wouldn't take any of them seriously.

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This post was sponsored by my parents.

Hi Baron von Gikkigen:

I'm glad that you decided to keep living in lieu of committing suicide. One thing's for certain: Merqury City wouldn't be the same without you. I hope you have a great Christmas, and a fantastic New Year! I also wish that the Christmas and New Year Season brings about many blessings for you, which will allow you to succeed for many years to come!

Take care.

Find purpose. Got me out of my depression. Find something you can lose your "self" in.

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transientb.bandcamp.com

you see..this is why i love mc.com. good people on here~ (they really do care)

baron, let me see you grit those teeth~




theres people in this world that need you around baron~

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