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PostPosted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 8:00 pm  Post subject: The Intergalactic Alps  
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Joined: Wed Aug 27, 2008 2:39 pm
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Location: Wolverhampton.
Hi everyone. You prolly don't know me but I've just finished a short but hopefully sweet fanfiction. It's a crossover between Red Dwarf and SSX - well obviously SSX otherwise I wouldn't be posting it here - but I wanna know if you guys think it's worth posting here? And it's the first fanfic I've written in a while that doesn't actually have me in it so, um.... anyone wanna proof-read it for me? Or shall I risk it and just post it all here? Like I said, it's short so it'll all fit in one post methinks.

Anyway, enough of me rambling, here it is. A little disclaimer: I don't own SSX or Red Dwarf, but Psirens are a part of Red Dwarf and the Übers may be lame but they're the best I could come up with.

Chapter 1

"Mr Lister sir, breakfast is ready."
"Cheers Kryts." Lister sat at the table, ready to have his breakfast; corn flakes with shredded onion on top, served with a cool glass of chili sauce. This was the life.
"Served exactly the way you like it, sir."
Lister tasted his bizarre breakfast and groaned as if it was an orgasm for the tastebuds. Before he had a chance to fully enjoy it though, the Cat put the ship on autopilot and went to tell the other crew members about his latest discovery.
"Guys, according to the scanner, we've found a breathable planetoid!!"
"Is it Earth?"
"No, it's all snowy."
"Let's check this baby out!" Lister and Kryten followed Cat back into the cockpit to examine this weird and wonderful discovery. It was indeed a breathable planetoid, covered entirely by snow.
"Shall we land and explore the place?"
"I'm not sure sir, we don't know what could possibly be on this planetoid, and whatever it is, it can't possibly be humans."
"But according to the scanner, it IS populated with humans. And the scanner never lies." Lister, the last human alive, said.
"In that case, it can't hurt to check this place out, right?"
"I suppose you're absolutely right sirs. Miss Kochanski Ma'am, what do you think we should do?"
"Get out there and explore." The one woman in the crew answered.


The four crew members were walking around the snowy planetoid, to find that it was, in fact, populated with humans. It looked like a ski resort or something. They heard a Swedish-sounding voice shout "Look guys! Newbies!" The Swede came over to them in curiosity.
"Excuse me mate-" Lister called out, but was interrupted.
"Hey guys! My name is Viggo Rolig, and welcome to part of the Intergalactic SSX Circuit. I am, of course, one of the most popular riders here- OOFT!" Viggo got rugby-tackleglomped and pushed into an unbearably hot hot tub and left to burn. The guy who killed Viggo came back to the Dwarfers and makes himself known, with an uncannily British accent.
"A'ight guys, the name's Jones. Moby Jones. Like Ladyboy Viggo said, this is part of the Intergalactic SSX Circuit, and if you like I can teach y'all how to snowboard and knock that Sketchy Psymon Stark off the top o' the leaderboard. And who will you guys be?"
"I'm Dave Lister, this is Kristine Kochanski, Kryten and the Cat." Lister introduced them all to this Moby guy.
"A'ight kids, let's get this party started!" Moby said.


As the months passed by, Lister, Kochanski and the Cat all got the hang of snowboarding. Kryten would have, but to put it simply, water and electricity never did mix. Moby was impressed with how quickly the three humanoids were getting it. With what Moby was telling them about this Psymon Stark, they did not like him, and wanted to beat him. "The man's a nutter," Moby had said, "he's ruthless enough to knock down anyone who gets in his way, whether they be friend or enemy. And his signature über is otherwise humanly impossible." The Dwarfers needed Moby to define 'signature über', which he referred to as 'your very own finishing trick. It can be as insane as ya like, but it has to be strictly YOURS'. And they had to be quick inventing them too.

Chapter 2

Lister, Kochanski and the Cat were all deemed good enough snowboarders to compete against newbies and veterans galore. They had a day off from the practising, so they thought 'why not get to know the other boarders'. They went down to the lobby full of riders and proceeded in mingling. For some odd reason, the three humanoids were really nervous about meeting their competitors.
"Well hello there lovely lady." The Cat made a dumb move in tryina impress Zoe Payne. Especially in front of Psymon Stark, but never mind.
"And who are you?"
"I'm the Cat."
"You're a cat? Explain please."
"Well. I don't usually do big words, but basically I evolved from cats. The beginning of my species was the Great Mother Frankenstein who lived over three million years ago, and funnily enough so did my buddy Lister." He pointed Lister out to Zoe.
"He looks pretty young for a three million-year-old." Zoe remarked. Lister noticed that Zoe was eyeing him up and walked over, leaving Kochanski to converse with Kaori Nishidake.
"Hey bud."
"What have ya been saying, Cat?"
"Only how I came into existence."
"So, um, Lister is it? You're, like, three million years old, right?"
"Well not really, I'm 25..." And Lister explained about the radiation leak on Red Dwarf wiping out the crew and he was in suspended animation for three million years, and that he just happened to be the Cat's God, except that Cat didn't believe he was a God; he was a total slob. And Zoe - as well as Psymon - listened intently but were both reluctant to believe all this, and still listened in spite of this.
"I swear you two are senile."
"I'm not senile. If anyone's senile, it was the ship's computer Holly. He was all alone for that long, his IQ dropped big time."
And Zoe, as unbelievable as this sounded, wanted to hear more. And she did hear more, much to Lister's frustration as he didn't wanna confuse her.

Suddenly there was a crash, bang, wallop that sounded like something big and heavy falling down the stairs and it wasn't a person. This almost gave Lister a heart attack.
"What the smeg just happened?!" Lister exclaimed with a hint of fear in his voice.
"That will be Nate having a bitch fit. Again." Psymon answered, rather informatively.
"And this Nate geezer, does he usually have a bitch fit?"
"Um. Yeah. Every time he loses a bet or something. I swear the guy's crazier than me, and that's saying something."
"Damn right. The guy's a sore loser. Unlike him, the rest of us can accept defeat gracefully," Zoe agreed.
"Well now... it makes me wonder what I'm putting myself in for dunnit?"
"Oh don't worry. The competition's tough but you'll have the time of your life." Zoe said as though she were advertising a skiing holiday.

*The first day of racing approaches*

"Come on guys, show us your Übers!!" Zoe called to the Dwarfers as the four of them raced down Garibaldi. Determined to outshine them all, Cat went first. He got to the biggest coming jump, and as he was airborne, he flipped his board so he'd be standing on its underside, on which he did his signature Cat Dance. When he was done, he flipped the board back the right way up and landed with cat-like grace.
"Nobody outshines the Cat." Cat taunted, which slightly provoked Lister, who incidentally took his turn to show off his signature Über. At the next ramp he jumped as high as he could, so he took his feet off the board, held it like you would a snooker cue and did an air-pot before putting his feet back on the board and landing his trick with that extra style, as much needed for his Snooker Cue.

It was Kochanski's turn. She believed her trick was the most daring of all, so when she got enough air she took her feet off the board and spun it anti-clockwise around her wrists while she spun herself clockwise 540 degrees before grabbing her board and getting ready to land, which she did with so little air to spare, the guys thought she would wipe out. This trick, she named Sub Zero.

Zoe was impressed, particularly with Kochanski's Über.
"Wow, Kris, you're giving Psymon a run for his money there! What made ya think of that?"
"Well, I'll admit I was mentally designing tricks in my head, and I wanted a daring one and the Sub Zero kinda sprang to mind. For some strange reason it was inspired by Mortal Kombat...?"
"Well even so, it's a pretty cool trick."
"Thanks Zoe!"
"My pleasure."

And the four riders carried on down the track.


Lister soon returned to his cabin, claiming to be dead knackered - but really being a bit embarrassed that he was outdone by his love interest Kochanski - and he was getting himself prepared to relax when he heard a knock on the door, so he answered.
"Hi. You must be Dave Lister." The brunette said.
"I am indeed. And you are...?"
"Elise Riggs, Ice Queen." The woman named Elise introduced herself, whilst inflating as much of her already hot air balloon-sized ego as humanly possible.
"So what brings you here, Elise?" Lister asked, fairly suspicious of her outstanding beauty, and sounding rather nervous actually.
"Oh, I never really had a chance to meet you when you joined us officially, and the Cat Man holds no interest to me-" Elise began, before getting interrupted.
"Oh really? That Cat seems to think he's the best-looking entity in the history of all seven universes, so if you say that to him you have a lot to answer for, mate." Lister's voice was quite shaky now... hmm, what could possibly be the matter?
"Hmmm.... Interesting. I've never met anyone with an ego as seemingly huge as mine but I'll give him a shot." Elise winked.
"Yeah, good idea." Lister was really playing nervous because as he said this, Elise was playing with his dreads.
"I'll see you later then, Lister." She said seductively and left Lister alone in his cabin.

Chapter 3

"Kryten? There's something funny about that woman who just visited."
"How so, Mr Lister sir?"
"I only say that because when I first saw her, she was blonde, and that woman who visted was a brunette."
"What are you implying, Mr Lister sir?"
"I'm implying that she might be a Psiren. I might also be worrying over nothing but my gut instincts are rarely wrong, are they?"
"Well, from all the experiences we've had sir, roughly half of your gut instincts are wrong. Are you sure she's a Psiren, sir?"
"Trust me Kryten, no sane woman tries sincerely to seduce me like that. No way, man, she's definitely a Psiren."
"In which case, sir, you'd have to catch her out."
"Yeah. That's given me a plan."

*next day*

"Please, come in Elise." Lister invited the Psiren into his cabin.
"Such the gentleman you are, Dave."
"I know." Lister said smugly. "So, you wished to talk to me?"
"Yeah, you seem so awfully popular, I barely get the time to come and chat. Such a shame, isn't it?"
"A shame indeed." With this there was another knock on the door.
"Hi Lister." A blonde Elise just walked in, showing no apparent interest in Lister. She saw her "other self" and was immediately confused.
"What is going on Lister?" The blonde Elise asked.
"I'm trying to figure out which one of you is the real Elise Riggs and which one of you is a Psiren."
"And a Psiren is...?"
"A Psiren is a shape-changing GELF who'll lure anyone to them to feed on their brains. Like zombies, but apparently very attractive, very clever zombies, so to speak."
"Right. The brunette's definitely the Psiren. No way would I ever go brunette and no way would I ever try to seduce you, not even if you were the last man alive."
"But.... I am the last man alive."
"I rest my case. Take out the brunette."
"No way, I'm the real Elise Riggs! Blondie here is the fake." The brunette screamed at Lister.
And the two Elises carried on arguing until the blonde knocked the brunette out cold with Lister's help - he was getting a bit pissed at the arguing - and while the brunette Elise was out, she shifted back into her original form; a gangly alien-like creature who seemed to look a bit like E.T.

And so this is where Lister and Elise really got to know each other, with no hints of flirting or innuendo in their conversation at all. Just as acquaintances. Lister's gut instinct was right after all, following which came profuse apologies from Kryten, who doubted him in the first place. And then it hit Lister like a bullet to the brain.
"The Cat!!"

And he raced out of the cabin to look for his feline friend, who he thankfully found in the lobby having elevenses.
"Cat! Thank Smeg you're OK."
"Of course I'm OK, why shouldn't I be?"
"So the Psiren didn't try to get to you then?"
"What Psiren?"
"Phew, never mind Cat. The Psiren's gone now, so we can carry on as normal."


After all the Psiren drama died down, and Atomika found that no-one's brains had been feasted on by a Genertically Engineered Life Form who took the shape of Elise Riggs, everyone could carry on snowboarding as normal. Lister had his mind fully focussed on beating Psymon Stark as the Boss of the SSX Circuit, and so far, he was doing quite well, particularly in the Races.

This was the final event of the Circuit, and it was Lister racing against Eddie, Mac, Kaori, Psymon and Zoe on Gravitude.
"Ready to lose, Lister?" Psymon taunted.
"Ready when you are Psycho - I mean, Psymon." This slightly aggravated Psymon, much to Lister's surprise.

The lights went green and Psymon took no time in trying to knock Lister down, all attempts at which Lister defied. He sped down the course, wasting no time on tricks except for the odd inevitable ramp he came across where he'd stick in a BS 540 Tailgrab, y'know, just to rub it in a bit. For the most part of the race he was followed by Psymon - after all, he was the Boss of Peak 3 and therefore the toughest competitor there, even tougher than Elise who wasn't even racing today - and Lister narrowly missed Total Victory where by some miracle, Psymon tried to knock him down yet again but Lister caught Psymon's wrist and used it to pull himself forward and snipe the victory at the last second. This made Psymon furious.

As Lister was crowned Boss of the SSX Circuit, Psymon vowed to exact his brutal revenge on Lister. Although, Psymon's mission was futile, as Lister - knowing that Psymon would come after him - dragged his fellow Dwarfers back to Starbug and legged it.

"Now that's what I call an adventure, don't you think so guys?" Lister asked the crew.
"Oh most definitely! It's a shame you couldn't join us, Kryten. The adrenaline rush was intoxicating." Kochanski added.
"And the look on Madman's face when Lister won that final race was priceless!!" The Cat said.
"I know, man, I smeggin know!!"

And the Starbug crew continued travelling through space as normal.


*3 years later*

Lister was piloting Starbug, the expression on his face telling people that he was falling into a stupor.
"What's wrong, Dave?"
He sighed. "I wanna find that planetoid again."
"But why? Psymon might still want to kill you after what happened on that planetoid."
"I know but like you said ages ago, the adrenaline rush is intoxicating.... addictive, even. If that's possible."
"Awww, Dave Lister's a newborn adrenaline junkie!! Bless." Kochanski teased.
"Don't you miss snowboardin though Kriss?"
"Of course I do........" She trailed off.
"You thinkin what I'm thinkin?"
"If you're thinking let's find that planetoid again, then Hell Yeah!!"
"Let's go then!!"

And trhey raced off to find that planetoid again.... whether they return to the SSX Circuit, we may never know.

The End.

I hope you like it. :china

Leader Of The Lefty Parade!

PostPosted: Mon Feb 23, 2009 5:41 pm  Post subject:   
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Joined: Wed Aug 27, 2008 2:39 pm
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Location: Wolverhampton.
No feedback? That hurts. :'(

Leader Of The Lefty Parade!

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