A little story I started with Sajjetta as Co-writer

I hope you like it

Pilot script
SSX the Animated Movie

Intro
The sun shone brightly upon the snow capped mountainside as a fresh cool breeze skimmed the surface of the fresh snow. The trees seemed to sway gently as if gesturing their approval of the beauty of their surroundings but seconds from now that would all change.
The wind grew in strength and began to twist the branches of the trees that were once at peace. The fresh snow churned and swirled as the heavy winds bore down upon its frozen surface. With the sound of a heavy foot print in snow the helicopters cargo crunched down thought the icy surface followed shortly by a second close behind.

As the helicopter door slides open the thump of boots jumping to the ground and people shouting as equipment is off loaded thuds and rattles the air if only as a muffled echo under the beating of the helicopters blades. Once again the wind churns the air as the large machines take to the sky leaving behind the mountains new inhabitants and silence again.
The men and women, dressed head to toe in black stand prominent against the stark white snow. Gathering their bags and equipment they load up the 2 snowmobiles and head off toward on old mine shaft hidden by trees and rocks in the side of the mountain. One lone figure still stands where he disembarked, surveying the view just for a second before turning to follow the others into the dark tunnel.

Opening.

(music - Queen – We will rock you)

(music) Boom Boom Clap

The room is dark, faint shuffles of movement can be seen as the rays of light coming in though small windows around the room light the action.

(music) Boom Boom Clap

Over in the corner the light catches a boot being fastened up.

(music) Boom Boom Clap

A locker closes as a jacket zip is fastened.

(music) Boom Boom Clap

Gloves are put on and the hand clenches into a strong fist.

(music) Boom Boom Clap

Snowboards are picked up as the music’s beat grows louder.

(music) Boom Boom Clap

Shadows of heads and shoulders shuffle down the long corridor, the ceiling vibrates to the stamp of the crowd banging their feet in time to the music.

(music) Boom Boom Clap

The crack of light through a door guides the riders as they burst open to the roar of the crowd. Cheers fill the air as their riders step into the light with arms raised to greet the 30,000 fans; each cheering for their favourite rider. These are the qualifiers for the best to prove themselves and gain entry to SSX, the ultimate thrill ride for riders and spectators alike.

Taking position at the starting gate each rider makes their final preparation for the race ahead, the music and cheers of the crowd become muted as they focus their eyes on the course ahead. Over the speaker system the SSX announcer DJ Atomica introduces the riders to the ever watchful crowd.

Atomica: WELCOME to another great day of racing, I’m DJ Atomica and I’ll be your eyes and ears for todays racing events. In lane 1 we have Mac Frasier, one of the best all rounder’s in the competition and one to watch. Lane 2 is the super sexy amazon Elise Riggs, a beauty to look at but just dont get on her bad side. Lane 3 the ever happy or could that be insane; Psymon Stark. Watch out for him as the wild card of the bunch. Lane 4 Moby Jones, he’ll be bringing some style to the slopes matched only by Mac, do I see a rivalry in the making here? I’ll be sure to keep you posted. Finally in lane 5 of this qualifier is the uber talented Zoe Payne, every rockers dream and a kickin singing voice to go with all that talent.

The stadium falls silent as the rider’s breath calm and steady watching the lights with anticipation.

Atomica:RIDERS, are you READY.

The red light comes on, the riders watch intently as the moment draws near. Orange light, muscles tighten and relax ready for what comes next. Green, BOOM and their away and off racing down the slopes, cheers from the crowd as the music from over the loud speakers fill the mountain air.

(music – Lunatic Calm = leave you far behind)

The riders launch into action, faster and faster the pace of the race quickens as each reflex action becomes second nature at break neck speeds. Each rider cutting a path down the mountain side as they take to the air, grind down fallen trees and grab every opportunity going to gain ground and show off.

Half way mark and the loops and stunts begin to get wild, the crowd cheering from the sidelines willing on their rider to win, but as each competitor has an eye on the lead they all sense that something is dreadfully wrong. A dull BOOM fills the air like the mountain seems to cry from its very core. The ground begins to shake as the birds in the trees take flight. The riders look around but it is Zoe that makes the first sound

Zoe: AVALANCHE !!!!!!!

She cries out to the other riders nearby who in turn look over to see the wall of snow and ice heading their way. Taking action Mac and Elise head for a large rock outcrop to take cover at the side of the oncoming white juggernought. Moby and Zoe ride to safety to the far side of the mountain track away from the rush of snow and covered by enough trees to protect from any major impact. Psymon grins a mischievous grin as the snow rumbles ever close.

Psymon: YEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH THIS IS WHAT I LIVE FORRRRRRrrrrrrrr HA HA HAaaaa.

Leaning forward and laughing insanely Psymon takes on his new race rival.

Later that evening

Its dusk as Mac walks through town passed the wrecked finish line as emergency vehicles and crew clear up the mess in hopes to start the races again in the morning. This time the small town was lucky it was only a small amount of snow that had come crashing down the mountain side. Mac was heading for the Gravitude Lounge, a wooden built lodge on the outskirts of town where most of the SSX riders go to hang out after a days race.

Mac walks through the door to see zoe and psymon doing shots, smash, then wipe the last set of glasses off the bar before setting up the next lot.

Mac: Nice to see that those two are focused on the racing. This music really needs kicking up a notch.

Allegra: Hey Mac, wanna go clubbing later.

Moby: finally your here mate, may not be able to ride too well but at least you can set us up with some wikkid cool tunes, Mac sticks his his ipod into the sound system.

Mac:Good tunes yes, but riding far supasses that.

Kaori walks over and puts her arm round Mac

Kaori: Did any of you guys hear the bang earlier on?

Psymon and zoe have finnished, p turnes around.

Psymon: No but that fucking huge avalanche almost got me, It was tight.

Moby: You enjoyed it though.

Psymon: Never said I didn’t.

Nate wanders over with Griff.

Nate: Half of you guys are lucky I had the spade on me.

Griff: Did you see the Finnish line its a wreck.

Zoe: Why dont we go and help the pisties clear the mess up, the more people help the easier it will be.

The group agree and head up the hill to help. By now its dark and the work is being done by floodlight. Mac and Moby are shovveing snow.

Mac: You know we could settle this.

Moby: What, you trying to out shovel me now.

Mac: Nah its simple, we have a back county showoff, mano il mano.

Moby: Fine, but your gonna look stupid when you get trounced by a BX rider.

Meanwhile on the other side of the arena.

Psymon: Never get a girl to do a mans job.

Allegra: Piss off you asshole.

Psymon: You know its true.

Zoe walkes up behind Allegra.

Zoe: Leave the new girl alone. just because she partys harder than you.

Psymon: Whatever.

Zoe hits him and he is KO’d. At the same time JP walks into the arena and starts to help.

Zoe: One day he’ll learn not to piss me off.

JP: Allo, we all trying to elp wit dis mess.

Jurgen: Ja, und Zoe you really should stopp hitting him ven you are not in racing.

Zoe: I’l bear that in mind, hes just lucky he’s my friend. (Turns to JP with a smirk across her face). Princess Elise has stayed in bed at the lodge I presume leaving us mere mortals to do the work.

JP shoots her a look, as Zoe once again grin’s as she sets back to work.

Every one has now gathered round to sort out the snow and get it ready for the following days qualifiers. Allegra breaks the awkward silence.

Allegra: So what do ya think caused this lanche.

Kaori: Well it was a big bang.

Hiro: Which means it wasn’t natural, because that would have started with a crack, but only with wet snow.

Looks of confusion meet him. Psymon gets back up shaking his head from the blow and Hiro’s comment.

Psymon: Eh! In plain speak dude.

Jurgen: Vot he is trying to say is in tese dry powder conditions an avalanche vood start vith no noticable noise.

Marty: But why would someone set one off, The pisties wouldn’t miscalculate a controlled safety zone.

Brodi: Well were not exactly the most environmentaly friendly group around.

Zoe: (Sarcasticly) Yeah sure eco terrorists are targeting us. I dont think that such environmentaly aware people would destroy half a mountainside just to make their point that we jet off around the world every two weeks.

Jurgen: Whats importent now is that ve have cleared up and shoult now go to bett, it three o clock and ve need rest fur tommorow.

The group agree and put down their tools to wander back to the lodges, with Psymon leaning over Mobys shoulder and the normal amount of snowballs flying, laughter fills the cold night air.

Moby: Why do I always have ta clean up ma girls mess?

Next day – Backcountry race

Down in the town Zoe is with Psymon and new girl to the tournament Allegra Sauvagess at the rebuilt finish area watching the mornings qualifier sessions. From the back of the crowd appears Eddie, a veteran of the SSX circuit.

Eddie – Hey guys, I just got in from my qualifier and all I can say is……….Im just too good.

Eddie breaks into a robot dance in his little celebration as the group of friends laugh at their friends crazy display.

Eddie: So Zoe, wheres the other part of your team today.

Zoe: Oh, he’s up at peak 2 with Mac trying to see who’s got the bigger set of balls.

Zoe just roll’s her eyes as the group laugh and set off to find some breakfast.

Its 9:30am on a beautiful sunny morning up on the mountain away from all the crowds. The fresh snowfall through the night lay like a shimmering blanket of diamonds as each icy crystal caught the rising sun. Mac and Moby take in the view from peak 2 lodge before making their way to the choice of starting position.

Moby: You ready.

Mac: More than you’ll ever be.

Came the sarcastic response. Moby just shrugged off the remark and got onto his board.

Moby: this time we’ll find out who’s the best

Mac: But we already know

Laughed Mac, as he set off down the unbeaten track with Moby in close pursuit.

The two riders are side by side.

Mac: You dont mind if I? (he points to his ear phones)

Moby: No worreys mate. At least you don’t completely phase out like Allegra.

Mac responds by pulling his headphones up and putting them on. He carves a couple of turns in the soft snow before hitting a natural roll in the terrain and pulling a japan 1080, Moby follows suit and does a mute rodeo. But he has a sketchy landing.

Moby: Fuck, Lucky he cant see or hear me.

Moby gathers himself and passes Mac. As he goes past he points at Mac with his trailing hand and then goes thumbs down. Before grinning.

Mac: YOU WISH. (Shouted due to the speed and music)

Moby finds a cliff drop and gets huge air time. He does a very slow but stylish 360, whilst putting in a tweaked Method. Mac opts for the slow double back.

Then Moby is lining himself to go off a huge drop between two close trunks and over a fallen trunk that has gathered enough snow to be used as a decent kicker. But before he can run in he catches his frontside edge and faceplants before rolling and ending up on his back with his head facing down the slope. He looks up to see Mac about to line up and go past.

Mac just laughed as he passed Moby with a skid causing him to get a face full of snow.

Mac: You want a trick, I’ll give you a trick you won’t forget.

Building up his speed, Mac heads for a fallen tree to use a ramp. In an instant he is airborne as he begins to pull of his trick. With a twist grab and flip Mac prepares for his landing as Moby looks on. As Mac hits the ground there is a loud crashing noise as he disappears through the snow. Moby is shocked by the incident and rushes over to help. Moby now stands looking into a large dark square hole where Mac had landed.

Moby: Hey man, you down there……………can you hear me……you alright???? Mac…….MAC

Mac: (cough, cough) Yeh yeh, Im ok, my face broke the fall. What just happened?

Moby: looks like you just found a airshaft for the old mine, hit it so hard from the landing you went straight through. Can you climb out.

Mac: No, Landed badly, think I twisted my ankle.

Moby: OK OK, Im gonna climb down, then we’re gonna find a way out. Move out the way Im gonna drop my board down to ya.

Moby begins the climb down the shaft, stepping from one rotten wood support to another all the while praying the creaking frame work doesn’t break with every step he takes. At the bottom Moby finds Mac who is searching for a torch from his rucksack. Mac gets to his feet as Moby puts Macs arm over his shoulder to steady him as he walks. Grabbing the boards they set off down the tunnel.


After a few dead ends and wrong turns the duo soon stumble across a tunnel filled with electric lighting.

Mac: I didn’t think this mine was still in use

Moby looks at Mac, a confused look across his face.

Moby: Me neither, but our battery is fading and that could be our way outta here.

As they approach the light of the tunnel the sound of machinery and voices can be heard.

Moby: what the hells going here.

Mac: maybe its the ghost of the miners
Laugh’s Mac

Moby: Yeh that’s it, Ghosts that need electricity…..DUH!!

The two turn down the tunnel to investigate the strange noises. Leaving the boards on the ground Mac signals to Moby to move ahead as he starts to be able to place some weight upon his bruised ankle.
Moby appears upon a high ledge overlooking a large floodlit cavern. Below he can see a dozen people all dressed in black working with digging tools while others seem to be packing bags and boxes. Mac catches up and hides next to Moby. The pair of them begin to whisper.

Mac: Wow, what the hells going on down here

Moby: Im not sure but I’d guess it has something to do with that.

Mac looks over to where Moby is pointing, his jaw drops to the floor as his face glows from the floodlights reflection off the 20foot seam of gold being mined by the work force.

Mac: that is what I think it is….right??

Moby: Well, I dont think they be doing this for nothing, do you.

Mac: should we be telling someone about this.

Moby: Hold on, look over there at those two men talking, What’s the bet they’re the ones in charge.

Mac: Ok then let move around and listen in.

Below the work force is oblivious to its two new visitors as they carry out their duties. The two men in black overlook the progress but they seem to be having some kind of disagreement.

2nd in command: I told you we used too much explosive

Tall dark figure: I’ll say when it’s too much, you just do your job so we can get the gold and get out of here.

2nd in command: If we use any more we could bury the whole town in a massive avalanche, yesterday proved that and it was just a test.

Tall dark figure: AND IF WE DON’T GET THAT GOLD OUT SOON, you’ll be the one whose buried……GOT IT. Tomorrow night as the race finals get under way there will be enough noise coming from the tournament to mask any sound of the blast, even if they did hear us the avalanche will make sure they wont be coming to look for us. They will be far too busy running in the other direction.

The 2nd figure nod’s and reluctantly carries on with the explosive setup. Moby and Mac begin to panic at what they had just over heard.

Mac: we gotta get out of here and warn the others.

Moby: Yeh Im all about that happening matey.

As the two shift from their hiding place back to the tunnel Mac trips from the pain in his ankle causing the smallest rock to fall from the ledge. The pair hold their breath in anticipation, hoping that the moment will pass. Clang goes the rock as it hits against an empty metal drum. The tall dark figure looks over toward the disturbance, then slowly raises his gaze upon Moby and Mac.

Moby: how fast can you run

Mac: I’ll get the hell out oh here if that’s what you mean.

Tall dark figure: INTRUDERS, GET THEM.

Moby and Mac make a break for it back down the tunnel as gun shots ring out around the stone walls. Grabbing their gear they run back down the tunnel.

Mac: Look day light

Moby: I see it buddy, you ok

Mac: don’t worry about me, I got all the motivation I need to get outta here.

Jumping from the mine entrance to two racers strap on the boards and fly off down the mountain side closely followed by the sound of snowcat engines and guns shot.

As Mac lands there is a horrible crunch and he goes white but says nothing. The two riders head off down the shallow slope. Five skiiers jump out the entrance, all dressed in black with full face masks.
Mac reaches for his MComm.

Mac: Time to change the tune dude.

Moby: What you going for?

Mac: Back I Black.

Moby: How ironic.

They drop in over the lip into a steep and twisting tree covered couloir. Just as they dissapear the snow erupts from a hail of bullets. The skiers arent hanging around and soon the riders can hear the droning of a couple of snowmobils. The MP5 wielding skiers drop in just as M+M round the first corner.

Moby: We need to loose the snowmobiles.

Mac can’t here him and so Moby resorts to sign language. He waves to get Macs attention, twists his wrist as if using a throttle and gives a double point of is hand back behind them. Mac looks round and then back to Moby.

Mac: Lets loose them in the trees. Take the lead master of carve.

Mac gestures Moby onwards and then follows him over a small bump into the trees. This bump catches the first of the snowmobiles off gaurd and he is thrown off upsidedown into a tree.

Moby and Mac then follow a tight and winding line down through the trees. Sure enough the snow mobile eventualy looses it into a tree. The tree falls and Moby swerves to duck under it. Mac has to jump it but the pain causes hin to twitch on landing and momentarily loose sight of Moby. Turning sharply behind a large tree Mac looks back only to glimpse Moby up ahead.

Moby looks around to see the black skiers catching them up.
The sound of machine gun fire rings out striking the tree ahead of Moby. With a crash one of the main branches breaks off and falls to the floor tripping Moby who falls to the ground in a cloud of snow. Mac races past and see Moby gesturing him to keep going. Travelling a short distance Mac pulls up his board and hides, back up the mountain he sees Moby surrounded and being held at gun point when he hears a voice call out.

Skier: If you wish to see your friend in one piece ever again Id suggest you keep you mouth shut until after the finals tomorrow.

Mac: DAMN IT

Mac watches on as they load Moby onto the snowmobile and lead him away. Wincing from the pain in his ankle Mac rides off back to town to warn the others of the mornings incident.


PART 2 - coming soon!...........?

Ahh, where was it?

oooooh!! This is sounding gooooood!!

managed to hook up my old hardrive and save a load of stuff, story included.

The actual story I like, the plot is looking good so far.

However, the execution isn't really so good. I don't know if it's just me, but for me, the dialogue seems really bland or something. It's just hard to follow. I think all it needs is some more character personality and imagery it will be much more entertaining to read.

Can't wait for Chapter 2!

cheers for the pointers Mdx Maxx

to be honest - im not a good writer, but I'll give it a go anyways

I'll try to get part 2 once Ive completed something else first.

Yaaayyy!!! but... you make it sounds like a soap opera, or like one of those programs like Lost where you get the next episode and you get "Previously on Lost" but with this you'd have "Previously on SSX", like.

yeh - Im soooo gonna do that now

It needs some suspense music and cut backs then.

YAY!

I like! Must read more....must read more!

And actually, your writing was fine...when I'm writing these things what I have the hardest time with is actually writing something other than dialogue. You have been given some good pointers.

If you like, I can try to print out a copy and go over it like a proofreader (I've done a bit of editing.). I can't edit for crap on screen, always has to be on paper. I won't do it without your permission, tho....

HI Bookwitch and thanks

You have my permission to rewrite the whole thing if you wish - I never got around to finishing the story but I do have the notes for the second half if you want to consider finishing the whole thing???

nice!

Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
where's ELISE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Can't put everyone into every thing (though I allways used to try).

as long as zoes in, its a winner

I thought elise was written in somewhere?? she might have been in the second half that I havent gotten around too yet

srry for freaking out guys, and the late response, WHERE'S PART 2 ?

As yet, unwritten...

Heehee! Someone told me on one of my stories that they liked it because I put in mini cliff hangers. I never thought of it that way, but you're RIGHT! "Previously, on SSX..."

Er, I had actually told him I'd be willing to help out, but haven't been around much. (Kidlet had the flu, I had pneumonia and bronchitis, etc etc. Yeah, I know, where are my priorities, right?)

sure, I can wait
and of course you have to know your priorities

Sorry, sorry - I cant believe I posted that story in 08, got sidetracked becoming a dad then started selling my Molly the Moo books recently.

I'll get what I can find of my notes for the story and pass them to Bookwitch to see if we cant get this story to its finish

How are the Molly the Moo books going Yeti?

16 books and counting its not a huge amount but part of its for charity so I cant complain. All I set out to be was a published author and I accomplished my goal (allthough I would like more sales through amazon)

Cheers for asking matey